What does THAT mean??

I've never been a particularly patient person - I like to be in control of things, and I tend to like things to go my way or I can sulk a bit. It's not one of my best features, but at least I know it about myself, right?

So trying to get pregnant was rough on me. I hated the waiting - it made me insane. I didn't think it would work on the first try but nonetheless, every month was a horrible waiting game for two weeks. And I would create symptoms - I felt nauseated or really tired - I couldn't possibly feel like this if I wasn't pregnant! And I couldn't even wait until I was late to test - I was obsessed with the early indicating pregnancy tests. But I wasn't pregnant those first few months and those tests were starting to get awfully expensive.

I finally ordered some cheaper pregnancy tests from an online site in the states and tried to convince myself that waiting until I was late was the best policy. But I couldn't do it - obsession overcame and I tested again before I was due, and even before my pregnancy tests from the states arrived. It was negative, and I was sad, but less than the previous months and I tried to look on the bright side - it was Xmas and I could have some drinks and join in the merrymaking :)

Then the package arrived in the mail the day before I was due to get my period. And I couldn't resist - so the next morning I woke up early and peed on the strip and waited. And the first line showed up bright and clear and a second line, so faint you practically had to use your imagination to see it, showed up. What the heck does that mean? Is that just what everyone who isn't pregnant sees or is that a line? I woke up my husband who declared he couldn't see a second line at all. And I'm franctically reading the website for the tests, which says that you can't read the results more than 10 minutes (or something like that) after you take the test or else it isn't accurate - so I can't take the fact that the line is getting a little bit darker (and my husband concedes there is actually something there) seriously.

This is the worst hell for me. This is bigger limbo than I'd been in before. So I start calling people. My mom, my friends, etc. The camp is split "don't get your hopes up, take another test tomorrow" "any line at all is a positive, I think you're pregnant". So I take another test right away (Lara, you need to work on your patience) and get the same thing. And again the next morning. And again the next morning. And on Xmas morning when I was still getting the same thing, but ever so slightly darker, I decided I was pregnant.

But my husband wasn't ready to believe it yet. He knew how crushed I would be if it wasn't true and these incredibly faint lines weren't convincing him. Retrospectively I think I should have gone to the store and bought a different brand of test, I suspect the cheap tests were part of the problem.

A few days later, as the line started getting darker and I could also say I was now 4 days late, my husband started believing too. And of course I was :)

Finding out we were going to have a baby was nothing like I ever would have imagined the experience would be. There never ended up being this "we're pregnant! yay!" moment. Instead we slowly made it through this great confusion of "am I? aren't I" BLAHHH! We also lost out on a bunch of "we're going to have a baby!!!" moments as I rushed to people with my confusion.

What did we learn from this experience? Any line is a line, and obsessing is bad. But I already knew the second part ;)

This is part of Memory Lane Monday over at Momsblogging.com and we're going to pretend that it's not Tuesday because I'm on holidays at the cottage, and it was a long weekend, and I just still wanted to take part :)